


I couldn't wait to leave that town, it broke my heart

by IzzyAguecheek



Series: this is how it goes, the end credits, they roll [1]
Category: Dreamer Trilogy - Maggie Stiefvater, Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish-centric, Adam-Centric, College Student Adam Parrish, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, M/M, No Call Down The Hawk Spoilers though, Sort of? - Freeform, The Crying Club (but not referred to as The Crying Club), The Raven King Spoilers, and being sad but also happy about it, college adam, i think???, set somewhere between the raven king and call down the hawk, this is literally just about Adam dealing with moving away etc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 05:22:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29853183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IzzyAguecheek/pseuds/IzzyAguecheek
Summary: Adam Parrish is used to making tough choices. Every time he acts on something, it means he has carefully ruled out the other options, after long hours of pondering and thorough measurement to see which would benefit him the most. He has made tough decisions about pretty much everything in the past, from money to friendships to magical bargains, and, save for some notable, he has mostly made the right choice, no matter how complicated or hard was the matter at hand.Leaving Henrietta behind is the easiest decision Adam has ever made. And yet, he fears it might be the only one he can’t bear.(or: Adam Parrish's reflections on leaving, belonging, and missing his friends.)
Relationships: Adam Parrish & Blue Sargent, Richard Gansey III & Adam Parrish, Richard Gansey III & Ronan Lynch & Adam Parrish & Blue Sargent, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Series: this is how it goes, the end credits, they roll [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2194761
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	I couldn't wait to leave that town, it broke my heart

**Author's Note:**

> So, I finally read CDTH and realized I have as many feelings about Adam Parrish as I did five years ago when I first read TRC. Also I was sad and missing these characters, and needed something to project on lol this is set somewhere after TRK and before CDTH though so no spoilers. 
> 
> I just wrote this entire thing in one sitting and proof-read it real quick, it's past midnight and just don't have it in me to re-read this anytime soon, plus its unbeta'd, so let me know if there are any mistakes.
> 
> Title taken from EDEN's "untitled", which is on my CDTH Pynch playlist and therefore is the song I have been obsessed with lately.

Adam Parrish was used to making tough choices. Every time he did something, it meant he had carefully ruled out the other options, after long hours of pondering and thorough measurement to see which would benefit him the most. He had made tough decisions about pretty much everything in the past, from money to friendships to magical bargains, and, save for some exceptions, he had generally made the right choice, no matter how complicated or hard was the matter at hand.

As far as decisions  go , leaving Henrietta behind  was an easy one to make.

In all truth, Adam  chose it years before he had even  the faintest clue of how he would do it , before he had gotten out of the trailer park, before that magical year of chasing sleeping kings and kissing beautiful dreamers. It was, maybe, the first decision he  had ever truly made, when he was still a boy and the Virginia dust clung to his hair and clothes like a second skin.  From the start, it had been a matter of survival, and, all this time later, it remains that way somewhat. He has gone from having no place where he belonged to having several homes scattered around the area – 300 Fox Way, the Barns, Monmouth Manufactory –, but none of them are  _his,_ not in the way he craves, not in the way he needs them to be. 

Leaving Henrietta behind is the easiest decision Adam has ever made. And yet, he fears it might be the only one he can’t bear.

First, there are goodbyes, which Adam has never been good at. He never had a reason to – he didn’t say goodbye when he left his parents’ house, and he refused to say goodbye when Gansey died, and he never truly felt the need to say goodbye to Persephone because she is always in his dreams and still haunting his tarot deck. He leaves before Gansey, Blue and Henry go on their roadtrip, so he didn’t have the chance to learn from that, either. Leaving has always been sudden for Adam, more like sneaking out or storming off than  _goodbyes._

But now it’s drawn out, long and tearful, full of “I’ll miss you” (Gansey), “don’t be a stranger” (Blue), “show those Harvard bastards how it’s done” (Henry) and longing stares (Ronan). Adam hugs all of them for as long as he can manage, tries not to feel the tears swelling up in his eyes, and kisses Ronan one last time. They all had their private moments already, for last minute advice and well wishes and fond recollection, and now Adam just turns and walks away without saying anything, because he can’t stand the way they’re looking at him. He hates that he has to leave Ronan like this, knowing the other will leave too, and prays fervently that Declan and Matthew will watch over him.  _He still has his family,_ he tells himself.  _And so do the others._

Which is more than Adam can say for himself. Now, all he has is a fucking backpack.

Second, there’s the pull of the ley line, begging him to stay, begging him to be the Magician again. Adam misses Cabeswater like one would a missing leg, and he still gets ghost pain in the hollow place in his chest where it used to live: dreams of trees rustling around him, visions out of the corner of his eyes, glimpses of vines curling around his trembling fingers when he raises them to rub his sore eyes. It isn’t  _there,_ not the way it used to be there, he knows that. It no longer talks to Adam, doesn’t offer any sort of refuge other than fond memories, because it doesn’t exist anymore, just like that Adam doesn’t exist anymore.

He’s no Magician, now. He’s just a college student. 

Adam closes his eyes, leans his forehead against the window and lets the memory of Latin and ravens lull him to sleep. He wakes up violently, like he’d been electrocuted, a few hours later, and realizes that he can’t feel the pulse of the ley line in his veins anymore.

Third, there’s the “getting used to it”. There’s just so much to see at Harvard, so much to do, so much to learn, so many people to meet. Adam collects his new friends the way Gansey collected all of them back in Aglionby, with a cavalier smile and a firm handshake, and then lies to them about his previous life over and over, not because he doesn’t care for them but because they  _aren’t_ Gansey, or Ronan, or Blue, and they just wouldn’t  _get it._ Here, he is Adam Parrish, patron saint of the crying misfits, master of card games, grade A student in every subject. Here, he is back to being unknowable. He wears his second-hand tweed vest as an armor and lets his Virginian origin be labeled as “Southern charm”, and, for the briefest moments, every now and then, he gets a glimpse of what being Gansey would feel like. 

And it isn’t bad. Adam loves it, the fact that he’s made it to Harvard, that he is good enough to be there and that everyone seems to acknowledge it. He likes his roommate and the nights spent playing games in the common area with his friends, and he loves telling them all about his farmer-street-racer-pet-raven-owner boyfriend and his psychic daughter ex-girlfriend and knowing this won’t be a problem here, at least not with these people. 

“They seem like an interesting bunch”, one of his new friends says, when Adam is done telling a story about Gansey, Henry and Blue trying to help Ronan with his farmer stuff. Adam smiles, feeling so fiercely proud of them that, for a second, he forgets to miss them desperately.

“They really are.”

He promises to have his old squad meet his new squad someday. It seems unlikely, but it’s a nice thought to have.

Slowly, Adam decorates his side of the dorm room, mostly with pictures of Henrietta and its people, but also with pictures of Columbia and its outcasts – here, almost everyone he knows is an outsider like him, coming from somewhere else in the country, running from or toward something. There are so many interesting life stories, and none of them involves magical forests, dead Welsh kings or friends dying and coming back to life, but Adam almost doesn’t mind. All the brochures claiming college to be “a very stimulating environment” were right; there isn’t a day where Adam doesn’t have anything new to think about, something that isn’t Henrietta or the many sacrifices he would have to make to stay alive.

He belongs here. Despite all his worries, despite all his fear of being an impostor,  _he belongs here,_ and no one can take that from him – not even himself.

It’s hard with so much distance between him and his ley line, but Adam still tries to scry and do readings ever so often. Mostly, he does it when he’s missing home too much, and both the whisper of Persephone’s voice and the cards tell him as much; he gets the six of cups for “childhood nostalgia” and the World for “finishing cycles” on a good day and the five of cups for “living in the past” and the three of swords for “heartbreak” on a bad one. He keeps getting cards about balance and duality for advice, and every time Death or the Tower show up, Adam can hear Persephone whispering in his ear that this isn’t the end of the world, not matter how much it may feel like it.  _You’ve survived worst,_ she tells him, or he tells himself and pretends it’s her because she was easier to listen to.  _You’ve been alone before, but this is nothing like that._

_You are living, now. No more surviving._

One day, Adam pulls out the the Knight of Cups, the Emperor and the Page of Wands, and knows it’s a sign he hasn’t called Gansey, Blue and Henry in far too long. They’re somewhere in California, he thinks, judging by the last post on Henry’s Instagram. Adam half expects them to ignore his call to be ignored in favor of diving into the warm ocean or sunbathing on a white sanded beach, and the relief he feels when Gansey picks up is frankly ridiculous. Gansey nearly always picks up, he knows, because he makes a point of proving he’s still there for  _all_ of them, because that is just the type of friend Gansey is.

“Adam”, he says, so cheerfully Adam can almost fell the sunshine on his skin. “What’s up?”

Adam  remembers running into Gansey in the hallways, fistbumping him as a way of greeting.  This boy – man – has died and come back to life, and they’re  _still_ best friends, and the reality of it sometimes hits Adam like a fucking train. 

“Not much”, he replies. “Just wanted to check in.”

“Is that Parrish?” Henry’s voice makes itself heard through even from some distance. “Hey there, Parrish, my man!”

There’s the sound of shuffling on the other end of the line, and then Blue’s voice comes in:

“ Hi, Adam. How you’re doing? Is Harvard kicking your ass yet?”

“Not yet. How’s California? Is Gansey all sun burnt yet?”

Blue joyfully launches into a lengthy description of their latest adventures, and Adam just closes his eyes and listens to her Virginian drawl, the first time he’s heard an accent that matches his in what feels like forever. It’s like being home for a second; his hands twitch with memories of brushing Blue’s hair away from her face under the tree in her backyard, of holding her hand while scrying and knowing she would ground him. He feels so differently about Blue than he did back then, but he still loves her so damn much. Gansey pipes in every now and then, his voice familiar with its charming Old South tones, and Adam loves him too, even more so now he doesn’t have to be jealous anymore. 

Blue tells him her and the boys had just pulled up at a beach and were about to go swimming, and Adam imagines the three of them, leaning against the dreamed Pig, all sun warmth and relaxed, and he feels a fondness so sharp it almost turns to sadness. He’s so happy for them, so relieved they found each other and got to do this together, but it pains him sometimes to think about it too long, just like it pains him to hear Ronan talk about his bickering with Declan and Matthew’s latest shenanigans. Adam chose to go away, and he would chose every single bit of it again if he had the chance, but it still doesn’t change the fact that, out of all his friends, he is the one that ended up alone.

Eventually, Adam also tells them about Harvard, about the classes he’s taking and the clube he went with his roommate the week before. 

“You have to come to a club with us someday”, Henry yells, and Adam isn’t bothered by the fact he is listening; he has, at some point between Aglionby and now, accepted Henry Cheng as another star floating around in their orbit, and he has made his peace with it. “Now,  _that_ I’d like to see.”

“Shut up, oh my God”, Blue says, but it sounds like she’s smiling. “Although I don’t think it’s a bad idea.”

“Maybe we could stop by on our way up”, Gansey suggests, and Adam can tell by his tone he’s eager. “You know, pay you a visit.”

There are few things Adam wants more than  this .

“I would love that”, he tells them, and is pretty sure he can feel their joy over the line.

Ronan is a little harder to get a grasp on, but he’s trying. Adam knows this because, every time he texts, he gets an answer, even if it comes with twenty-four hours of delay and it’s a “sorry, I had a problem with the cows and it took me all day fucking long to figure out what to do with the little shits”.  Most of the time, Ronan picks up if he calls. Some days, knowing this is all that Adam needs to get some sleep at night.

They even do video calls, sometimes,  which is the biggest act of love Adam can think of, considering how much Ronan hated the idea just a couple months ago.  Adam’ s heart doesn’t race when he looks at Ronan’s sharp smile anymore; it actually slows down to a comfortable rhythm. Not because the fire between them has died out, but because his heart knows that, as long as Adam can see Ronan, talk to him, tell him about his day, he will be okay. 

“I’m glad you like it there”, Ronan tells him one night. It’s pretty late; Adam’s roommate is out with someone, so he has the room to himself.

“Me too”, he replies quietly. “I miss you, thought.”

“You could come visit me”, Ronan says, and Adam tries not to look for any sign of hurt in his tone. This isn’t Ronan telling him  _you don’t ever come around anymore_ . This is Ronan telling him  _you have a home here, too._ Ronan will always prefer to stay on his home turf, because that is where he can be sure both him and Adam will be safe – and then, he adds: “Or I could come visit you.”

There’s a beat of silence during which Adam allows himself to finally realize and accept that, somehow, he’s got it all. He went through hell, he lost so much – and yet, somehow, in the end, he managed to get every single thing he’s ever wanted. He wouldn’t ruin it, he promised himself. He wouldn’t take it for granted.

Adam Parrish knew the worth of hard won achievements better than anyone else.

“Please”, he replied. “Come visit me.”

Ronan was at his doorstep not a week later.

Adam Parrish was very good at making choices. He could separate the two options available and see them clearly, rationally, all black and white, all in terms of either-or. He would always pick the most sensible, logical one, and discard the other, the passionate, indulging one, and then refuse to feel remorse over it, because it was what had to be done. And, most of his life, this had been the right decision. Most of his life, he could only afford one good thing at the time.

Leaving Henrietta was the easiest decision he’d ever made, and it might as well have been the last one. Little by little, Adam was learning that he didn’t have to choose between different pieces of his heart anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Not writing about Noah killed me. Seriously.  
> If this doesn't match the Opal short story, it's because I didn't read it (I'm not American and I'm not sure where I can find it other than the TRK paperback or whatever). Also I'm pretty sure Gansey, Blue and Henry left before Adam, but I chose to ignore it for Drama Reasons.
> 
> This will be the first of what I hope will turn into a series I like to call "post-TRK Gangsey misses each other desperately to the sound of EDEN", so. There's that. (Series title taken from EDEN's "End Credits")


End file.
